Call of Cthulhu

O my brothers, great Cthulhu stirs amidst His wrath. No peace for days hast mine humble self known...His dreams wrack mine mind, His every thought a smite against mine sanity:

"Blarg, mortals. Gakk. Mighty is Cthulhu, and mighty is His hangover. When one's head is sixty feet across, thence can ye know Mine pain. Curses upon thee, O sons of Montezuma! Thine agave is most blasphemous a plant indeed! Sith ye, ape-spawn, hast thou any idea how much tequila it takes to stagger Mine Herculean physique? Yay, dost thou know that all the tequila Cthulhu shouldst desire is His for the asking? Woe unto Mine magnificence...Cthulhu's cultists feed His desire with great gusto.

"Know ye, O sons of dust, that Cthulhu did hold His annual feast of All Hallows Eve. Great was the suffering in R'lyeh. Great was the partying therein.

"Nyarlathotep didst show up in his guise as Jack Skellington. Tis unfortunate indeed that N chose to adorn his avatar of thine Red Horror. 'Thou knave!' spake Cthulhu unto the soul of Azathoth, 'know ye not that thine head is too pointy?' Mortals, for those that knowest not, the Red Horror avatar of Nyarlathotep appears as a three-legged, three-armed monstrosity, whose head is a single tentacle, long and tapered. Tentacle. As in 'difficult to shape and disguise as a round skull'. N dost think he is quite the something-something, for he carries out the will of Azathoth, yet this fool knoweth not how to dress a long, tapering tentacle as a short, rounded skull. 'Yo, dawg,' spake Nyarlathotep, 'back up. I be representin.' Thus does N dare to speak unto Me. Know, O mortals, that Nyarlathotep thinkest him ye King Shit because he plots the end of thine world. 'O Dork that thou art,' countered Cthulhu, 'ye seekest to end a world, whilst I seek to eat it!'

"Thence did Azathoth himself show up, sotted as usual. And, as is his wont, he sat within a dark corner of Mine throne hall and did but bubble and fester. Dancing around him was his usual posse of pipers and drummers, circling madly and mindlessly to their own insane music. Mortals, ye Doom assures thee, Azathoth is to Me as Trent Reznor is unto thee: Freakishly hip, yet completely unapproachable.

"Yog-Sothoth did then arrive, his spheres bulging and glowing. Resplendent was he with his gates and keys. Know ye, ape-spawn, that Yog-Sothoth is ye celestial playa. He seeketh always to party, whether that feast be in Dunwich or Denver.

"Nyarlathotep didst then dare speak again, tho Mighty Cthulhu had warned him against such bravado. 'Yo, dawg, gimme a virgin.' Thou fool, as if Cthulhu wouldst keep virgins around R'lyeh uneaten. Tis well that the tequila shots were starting to kick in, lest Cthulhu should grow wroth and smack N upside the tentacle at that point.

"And just whence Cthulhu did get ready to arise from His throne and commence unto N a mighty smack-down, then did Shub-Niggurath choose to arrive. 'Ia! Shub-Niggurath! Black goat of the woods with a thousand young!' Thus did Howard Phillips describe this whore. But then, mortals, HP always did know just a little too much. Hence his demise at the hands of Mine cultists. Anyway, she did stumble in amidst her hooves, and tentacles, and many smokes. Tis no coincidence, puny air-breathers, that Cthulhu likens her unto trailer trash. A ho unto ye Elder Gods is Shub-Niggurath.

"Ye star-spawn were feasting greatly, eating and drinking with great mirth. Dagon did dance upon the tables, and obiesence did Mother Hydra make unto Me. Ye mad flautists of Azathoth did kick up a mad jam, and eagerly did Cthulhu succumb unto Abd al-Azrad's tequila-bong [Hey, if thou wouldst not be eaten, tis best to distract ye eater--Abd].

"Nyarlathotep did then offer that we should issue forth and TP Allah's house. N has never understood Mine special adoration of Mine most favored servant. And lo! Mighty Cthulhu did then arise from His throne and bitch-slap N, sending him forth through Mine window since he would not leave peacably through Mine door.

"Yog-Sothoth decried, 'That Nyarlathotep is such a buzz-kill.' Thence did Y proceed to drunkenly boink Shub-Niggurath upon Mine own bed. Truly, mortals, Y did shamelessly do her to the mad saranade of Azathoth's insane flutes.

"So disgusted was Cthulhu, and so mighty His wrath, that Cthulhu did arise from His throne and consider crashing Allah's party just to escape His misery. Yay, mortals, even shihadi's wouldst be better than the lame-ass friends that Cthulhu suffers. Thence did Cthulhu remember that he was too drunk to walk. Thrice-cursed is Abd al-Azrad, and great shall be his suffering. 'Tequila-bong' indeed! [I made it out of there alive, so nyaaa--Abd]

"And so there it is, puny mortals. Mighty Cthulhu hast been absent these past few days for His head hast throbbed and pounded with great misery. Fear not, tho, for Cthulhu's hatred of ye is unbounded, and Mine wrath shall remain undimmed against ye."

--thus howls Great Cthulhu. But at least we gained a few days peace.